Although I gave birth to my first child at 26 years old, I have been a mother since I was 9 years old. I am a nurturer that was raised by my mother and grandmother. I feared motherhood knowing that is was an “all or nothing,” “ride or die” endeavor. Once I decided to take the journey, I JUMPED in. I challenged my fears and thought I had won as I raised my son. Then I gave birth to my daughter 3 years later. I WAS NOT READY. She was EVERYTHING I was NOT. I settled in for a LONG haul of new learning with this girl. The “long” haul only lasted 15 years.
NOT LONG ENOUGH.
I thought I had more to teach her but oh was I wrong. Siwe, ever my teacher, had more to teach ME… Now, almost 4 years after her death by suicide, I continue to learn from her, for her and through her.
Mother’s Day Reflections
I have always felt that people, mothers, fathers should be celebrated and acknowledged regularly, not just once a year. Now as a mother of two young men, I still feel this way. However, after losing my girl, Mother’s Day is thoughtful. I reflect on my failures as a mother, and there are plenty. I forgive myself for each and every one. I reaffirm that I have always done my best for my children with the information I had at the time. Mother’s Day is a series of dichotomies. It is somber and celebratory. It is simple and complicated. I am still a mother. I am still amazing. AND I still lost my one and only daughter on June 29th, 2011 to depression.
I will celebrate all of my mothers (birth and extended family) on Mother’s Day and every day. I will continue to live from what Steven Pressfield calls the Code of Necessity, “The battle must be fought anew EVERY day.” As such, since I am still a mother I will get up each day and live life urgently. Death is a reminder for the living to live.
I pray Sule and Eric will live long enough to bury me. But even if I survive my children, I AM A MOTHER. It is important to me that I take a stand for ALL mothers. I will continue to spread my wings and fly in spite of my loss. Join me.
Happy Mother’s Day today and every day. I believe that you too, did and continue to, do your best.