Jul. 9, 2019 - Leading up to my fourth suicide attempt, I didn’t think I was strong enough, or brave enough, to handle this thing called life.
I was hopeless, scared, heartbroken, exhausted and lonely. My life seemed so painful, messy and complicated that I thought my only escape was death.
Waking up from that attempt, all I could think was that I didn’t want to be here, and that now I would have to deal with life all over again, plus the aftermath of my attempt.
I felt like life just wasn’t for me.
The doctors told me I was a miracle. I didn’t see it at the time, but now, years later, I accept that. It took a long time, but I am finally on the right combination of medications. I am seeing a psychologist, and have found a therapy that is working for me.
I know now that I have Bipolar Disorder. I accept I need medicine and therapy to get through life, and that is okay. I am not afraid to admit that.
Life still scares me sometimes. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts. I don’t know if they will ever go away completely, but I am learning to challenge my thoughts. When I feel that way, I try to look at things through the eyes of others.
I had an epiphany: I am no longer going to try to figure everything out. I don’t know why I have a mental health condition, just as I wouldn’t know why I had any sort of physical health condition. I don’t know why I survived so many times.
I will leave these questions be and just bask in my survival: being alive and breathing! I am learning how to live again. But that’s okay. It’s a process. One second at a time. I’m happy to say that I’ve reached a point in my life where I am able to dream again. I am hopeful.
I finally realize that I am strong enough, I am brave enough, and that I can actually have the life that I want.
I will continue on my journey with a sense of hope, knowing I have a purpose. I have a voice, and I have a story. I am a survivor. I am powerful, I am loved, I am wanted, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am brave!
I will continue on, managing my mental health condition with the help of my doctor, just as I would if I had a physical health condition. I understand that my mistakes, my failures, my mishaps do not define me. Having Bipolar Disorder doesn’t define me as a human being. It’s part of who I am, but it’s not the whole me. I am so much more than that.
I want to use everything I’ve been through to make a difference in this world. I want to use my voice to share my story. I want to let other people who are struggling know they are not alone.
I didn’t think I was strong enough, or brave enough. I want them to know they can be, too.