Learn more about International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day, which takes place on the Saturday before Thanksgiving, and find an event in your area.
The holidays are a time of giving, and we depend on your support to continue our important work. In recognition of Giving Tuesday, which this year takes place on December 1, as well as this season of caring for others, we’re sharing stories that remind us of the impact of our efforts. Please consider making a gift to AFSP today.
In 2015, I lost my brother Derek to suicide. Derek struggled for years with anxiety and depression, and as much as he tried, he wasn’t able to find a way to heal. His death was a shock to everyone. You never really think someone you love could die by suicide. He left behind family and friends who still miss his humor, his wit, his laugh, his creative and inventive mind, and the way he could get along with absolutely anyone. He left a huge hole in our family, and we all still miss him dearly.
When he initially passed, I had no one close to me that I knew had lost someone to suicide. It was a very lonely feeling. About a year later, I started volunteering as a 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline volunteer. They were putting on an American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day event (also known as “Survivor Day”), which I attended. That was my first introduction to AFSP as an organization.
Before Survivor Day, I’d felt the taboo around suicide everywhere. People didn’t know what to say, or they didn’t say anything at all; so it was hard to talk openly about how Derek died. At Survivor Day, that feeling was gone. It was such a relief to meet others who had lost loved ones to suicide, and to be in a room where there was no stigma around it. I didn’t have to explain or soften anything. Everyone there already understood.
That first experience is what drew me in, and AFSP has been a part of my life ever since. Today I serve on the board of the AFSP Greater San Francisco Bay Area Chapter, and I lead our chapter’s Healing Conversations program, which connects people who have lost someone to suicide with trained AFSP volunteers who have lived through the same kind of loss, who are able to share resources and understanding. In many ways, it’s my way of offering others what I found that first day. (Learn how you can become an AFSP volunteer.)
Suicide loss is a different kind of grief. There’s the shock, the endless questions, and a silence that can make you feel like you’re carrying it alone. When suicide loss survivors gather, that silence breaks. We say our loved ones’ names out loud. We share the hard parts and the funny parts, and nobody flinches.
I’ve learned that honoring Derek can hold both tears and smiles. Every year at our local Out of the Darkness Community Walk, I bring Krispy Kreme donuts and we all take a shot of vinegar in his memory, because Derek LOVED both. It’s a little silly, but Derek would have appreciated that –– he used to do silly videos and standup comedy, and thoroughly enjoyed making others laugh. Remembering him doesn’t only have to hurt. It can also bring people together and make us laugh, and that’s the same spirit I feel at Survivor Day.
If you’ve never been to a Survivor Day event, I want you to know that you don’t have to be “ready.” You don’t have to talk or have anything figured out. You can just come and listen. Whether your loss was last month or decades ago, there’s a place for you there. I walked into my first Survivor Day event not knowing what to expect –– and it changed the direction of my life, because it brought me to AFSP and I love being a part of this organization.
I continue this work because of the people who have supported me along the way, and because keeping Derek’s memory alive while doing everything I can to help others feels so important. Every conversation, every Walk, and every call is a way of carrying him with me.
Brittney’s story is a comforting reminder that just because we’ve lost someone, the joy and humor they contained doesn’t have to be lost with them –– and that being around others who share a similar type of grief can enable us to process our loss and even provide a sense of purpose. This Giving Tuesday and holiday season, your generosity helps AFSP support volunteers like Brittney as they bring lifesaving education and hope to communities across the country. Please consider making a gift to AFSP today.